I sometimes hear from wives who are not only dealing with insecurities about themselves and their own desirability after their husband's affair, they are also having the worry about their husband still thinking about (or longing after) the other woman. They worry that this means that he's not ever going to truly be happy at home. And that he's always going to think that she is the one that got away, and the one who he would truly want if only things were different.
I might hear a comment similar to this one: "my husband cheated on me with a woman who was a little younger and perhaps a lot prettier. I know that he still thinks about her. In fact, he doesn't even try to hide the fact that he still thinks about her. But he has promised to stay with me because of our kids. And I believe that he is trying to be a good husband and to make our marriage better. I honestly believe that he does love me.
He just may not lust after me in the same way that he lusts after her. But I believe that we have a compelling history and I know that he is committed to our family. I know that I should try to be happy with this. But knowing that he is always remembering her bothers me so much. It's like I can never really have peace or enjoy my husband because she is always between us.
I want him to forget about her. I have even tried to dig up dirt on her to prove to my husband that she isn't as great as he thinks. But it hasn't worked. I catch him having a far away look on his face all of the time and I know that he is thinking of her. It makes me so fearful and sad. Is there any way that an everyday wife can make a man forget about the affair who he thinks was his dream woman?"
So many things about this make me sad. But most of all, it saddens me that this wife saw herself as less than the other woman. It was almost as if she were conceding that the other woman had something that she didn't or that the other woman already had her beaten. When you have this attitude, not only can you be wrong, but you can project that attitude onto your husband, which is actually the last thing that you want.
Who is to say that this woman has anything that you don't? Who is to say that she is more desirable? The thing is, you can't "get," "make," or "force," your husband to do anything. But you can set up the situation to encourage him to do many things. I will offer some suggestions on how to do this below.
If You Believe That You Are Worthy Of A Man's Affection, Attention And Lust, Then He Will Usually Believe It Too: I hope that what I'm about to say doesn't sound insensitive. I don't mean it in that way. I'm saying it because I want to help you get what you want. In a sense, you are trying to sell an image to your husband. You want for him to see you as sexy, playful, and alluring. But when you have already described yourself as a common housewife, this is going to be a difficult sell. In no way am I saying that you should not be yourself or that you should pretend to be what you are not.
What I am saying is that you have to believe in your own worth. You have to look at yourself in the mirror with love and appreciation. You have to see your assets and either ignore your faults or fix them until you are satisfied with them because they make you unique and they make you who you are. I can't overstate how important this is.
Because if you don't see yourself as beautiful, sexy, and alluring, then you can't project this so that your husband believes it. I believe that one of the most important things that you can do in this situation is to the self work that is going to be necessary to significantly boost your confidence. Because few things are as sexy as woman who knows that she is sexy. And this wife wasn't there yet.
Focus On Your Marriage And On Rebuilding Your Relationship And Take The Focus Off Of Her: I understood why this wife felt the need to point out the negatives of the other woman. But honestly, most of the time, placing your focus on her is the absolute worst thing that you can do. As much as possible, you want to place your focus away from her. Yes, you will need to talk about the affair. Yes, you will have to explore and fix those issues. But as much as you can, you don't want to keep bringing the conversation back to what was so special and alluring about her. You want to let her go so that your husband can do the same.
The focus should be on strengthening your marriage and your bond.
When you can successfully rebuild your marriage and get the intimacy and the sexual chemistry back, then he is going to be much more likely to place his focus where it should be - on you and on your marriage. As often as possible, place your focus where it should be and he will eventually follow.
The more time that passes and the harder you work on your marriage, the more the memory of her will lose its hold on him. Plus, often with time, men come to realize that the other woman wasn't what he thought and he'll see that the attraction was more about what she represented to him rather than who she truly was. Since these things weren't real anyway, they will generally fade with time.
I used to spend way too much time pondering the other woman until I realized that by doing this, it was almost like the affair was still happening. And I wanted her out of my life so I really and truly so let her go. If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com
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