You just feel it in your soul. The 'signs' are there. Every fibre
of your being is telling you that your husband is cheating on you. But
is he?
Have a read of this article, and see how many of the signs are applicable to you.
1. He is less attentive in the bedroom:
Now
this one may be difficult to measure, because it depends how active
your sex life is on the whole. It is a very personal area, and a lot of
couples who, for example, have been married for a long time, or are
particularly stressed, may find that that initial spark dampens in the
bedroom.
This is perfectly normal. My advice here is to listen to
yourself. Only YOU can know whether or not the way that your husband
behaves in the bedroom is 'different' to his usual behaviour, but it is
common practice if he is 'getting it' elsewhere then his sex drive when
he comes home may be significantly reduced.
2. He seems to be working out more or maybe for the first time ever!:
If
your man suddenly develops an interest in 'working out', it could just
be that he has decided he needs to lose a few pounds. Of course, it
could also mean that he is trying to get (and keep) the interest of a
younger, fitter play thing.
Men of a certain age in particular,
are prone to suddenly deciding that they need to appear younger, and
this can be triggered by the interest of another woman.
Men like
to pump iron or go for a run, in order to feel energised, and this of
course not only works on their physical appearance, it also boosts their
stamina. If your husband has always been one for working out then trips
to the gym may become more 'frequent' as they can be used as a
smokescreen to cover dates with his Mistress.
3. He is constantly working late:
Similar
to the gym, if he suddenly begins calling to tell you that he'll be
'working late', be aware that this could be just another cover up for a
night out with his Mistress. But before you jump in at the deep end, try
and work out what is going on at work.
If for example, a big
event is due, then this could explain the increase in hours. If nothing
seems out of the ordinary, and the extra hours become rather frequent,
have a think about dropping by his place of work!
4. He develops a new sense of style:
Perhaps
he was once a stylish individual, with the latest secret weapons. But
as the years went on, he became more of a 'casual jogging bottom' kind
of guy.
This suited you just fine, as it showed that he was
comfortable to be himself around you. But if your man suddenly begins to
turn up with new shirts, shoes, aftershave, but never seems to do it
for you, then you have to wonder who is benefiting from it all.
5. He becomes the boy who loves his toys:
There
is the old saying 'boys and their toys'. Perhaps your husband has
always had his eye on flashy new things. Perhaps from time to time he
would buy them, or maybe you could never afford them. Has he suddenly
decided to buy that flashy sports car? Has he splashed out on the latest
phone?
If you notice a change in your guy's spending habits, or a
general loosening of the wallet strings where perhaps he used to be
controlling, then again, he could well be out to impress someone. He
could even be leading a double life, and a new car for example, helps
him express his 'other identity'.
6. He decides that he wants more time with 'the lads':
Has
he suddenly decided that he wants to spend more time out with the guys?
Maybe he did this when you were dating but since being married,
weekends are spent at home with take-out, or hanging out with married
friends.
Has he suddenly developed an interest in going it solo
with his friends? It could well be that he needs time to air a problem
with a guy friend, as they do this, just as we do! But if it becomes
something regular, it could be possible that he is really out with
another, or he is out 'on the hunt'.
7. His friends act differently towards you:
Linked
to the above, if he is out with friends, then may suddenly act a little
different towards you, because they are feeling guilty of knowing that
your husband was kissing another woman in the club last Saturday.
On
the other hand, if he was not with his friends but was out with his
Mistress, and asked them to cover, things may go one of two ways. Either
they will avoid you as they do not want to have to be asked any
questions, therefore requiring them to lie. OR, they will over
compensate, by going into every single detail of their clearly thought
out story.
8. He suddenly has to take a lot of calls from his 'friend':
It
could simply be that Bob has split with his girlfriend and needs some
advice, but if your husband is spending a lot of time on the phone then
you do have to wonder who to.
9. He gets a lot more calls about 'business':
Similar
to the above. It could be that there is a problem that he has to deal
with at work. But if that is the case, then he will not mind you hearing
in on the action. If every time your husband gets a call on his cell
phone, he takes it to the other room, or even worse, goes out, you can
begin to wonder exactly who it is that he is talking to.
10. He does not want these extra calls from his friend or work and so keeps his phone turned off:
If
he has suddenly decided that he prefers to keep his phone turned off at
home, it could mean that his Mistress is threatening to call him,
wanting to let the cat out of the bag. If he fears getting a lot of
calls or text messages, perhaps because they have had an argument, he
will turn the phone and leave it like that.
11. He is spending more and more time on the internet:
It
could just be that he is using it for his business. Again, this all
depends on the general circumstances in his life. But if for example, he
was not usually one for surfing the internet but is suddenly showing an
interest in how it all works, particularly things like social
networking and messenger, then it could well be that he is trying to
find every avenue through which he can chat to his girlfriend.
12. He has secret email accounts:
Have
you noticed when you go to log into your mail provider, that it shows
the last address to log in and it is not one that you recognise? Or
perhaps the same happens on messenger, or Facebook. Perhaps he has a
secret account that he uses for him and her.
13. He is spending more time online when you have gone to bed:
Perhaps
he says he is going to stay up and watch the game, but when he thinks
you are sleeping, you can hear the tapping on the keyboard. Perhaps you
have gone to the kitchen to grab some water and unexpectedly caught him
on webcam? Question to ask, is why he is doing this, when he has a wife
in bed?
14. He is careful to clear the web history:
If
you share a computer you will know whether this something that he does
regularly, or not. Has he suddenly started to clear the web history?
Just what is it that he is trying to remove all evidence of?
15. You find receipts for goods or hotel rooms that were not shared with you:
One
of the old clichés. But if you find receipts for gifts, hotel rooms,
trips, restaurant bills, that were not spent with you and are not
accounted for by his work, then you are probably looking at facing facts
that your husband is seeing another woman.
Before you accuse him
of this however, take a photocopy of the receipt, and keep it somewhere
safe. Do not take away any evidence that you find, as this will alert
him onto the fact that you are onto him and he will be more cautious.
16. You find things on credit card bills that cannot be explained:
Very
similar to the above, but one that you are much more likely to be able
to keep track off, especially if you have joint accounts, or he leaves
his post lying around from time to time. Just remember that it is
illegal to open another's private mail though!
17. You start to get nuisance, silent calls:
Has
your phone been ringing at home but when YOU pick up they hang up? It
could be that your husband's other woman is getting close to telling you
about their affair. Perhaps she is just intrigued about what kind of
woman you are.
Maybe she has fallen in love with him and views YOU
as the 'other woman' and becomes a little obsessed with you. There all
manner of reasons behind this sort of behaviour but a good move is to
get caller ID and then present the number to your husband and calmly ask
him if he knows the number. Watch his expression and reaction
carefully.
18. He comes home and takes a shower almost right away:
If
he has spent the afternoon with his Mistress, he will want to shower as
soon as he gets home. Sometimes, he will even avoid kissing you hello,
insisting that he has to dash to the bathroom first. This is because he
may smell of her perfume, or even worse, smell of her body scent! He
will want to remove all traces of this as soon as possible. Smell is a
very personal thing, and we all know what our partner smells like
normally and when something is up.
19. He is creating arguments that seem to be over 'nothing':
This
may be a sign of several things. For a start he may be feeling so
guilty, that he is stressed, and when people are stressed, their tempers
fray. Or, maybe he is looking for reasons to create tension, so that he
can justify his actions in his mind by believing that YOU are the one
at fault, or he wants an excuse to storm out of the house and go and see
his Mistress.
20. He seems to be distant and cold:
This
could mean that he is just having an off day. But if you used to talk
and share things, and now he seems to be distant, then it could be that
he is avoiding intimacy on an emotional level with you because he wants
to avoid 'feeling' close to you as it will make him feel guilty.
21. He has unexplained marks on his body:
It
sounds obvious, but sometimes, the most obvious things are that way for
a reason. This is especially worrying if the two of you are no longer
enjoying sexual relations. You know the sort of things to look for -
nail marks, scratches, even love bites!
22. He avoids undressing in front of you:
This
links to tip number 21. Perhaps he does have a mark that he is
attempting to hide, so he may take a shower before bed and undress and
change there. Or perhaps he wants to change with the lights off. You
will know if he changes his usual routine.
23. He avoids putting his dirty laundry in the basket:
Does
his dirty laundry appear to have reduced in load? It could be that he
does not want you to discover stains, scents or items that you are not
familiar with.
Perhaps he is taking his stuff to the laundrette
during his working day. One thing is for sure, if clean clothing
suddenly appears, but you have not washed it, then he is either getting
it done at the laundrette or by his other woman.
24. He starts giving you Extra attention:
A
lot of the information so far, has been about him seeming distant and
withdrawing. But some men attempt to hide their infidelity by showing
their wife a new interest and attention.
If he suddenly seems
friendlier, more attentive and like he is making the effort, when he has
not done so for some time, it could be that he is trying to throw you
off the scent of his affair. Of course, he could be wanting to rekindle
your marriage, so don't just assume that this automatically means that
he is cheating.
25. He starts buying you gifts... and more gifts:
Carrying
on from tip number 24, if your husband suddenly begins to splash the
cash on you, coming home with flowers, and chocolates, these could be
the actions of a man who is feeling guilty and has something to hide.
26. He begins to act suspicious of YOUR actions and turns into Mr Paranoid:
They
say, that those who are often most paranoid, are actually the ones with
something to hide. A cheater often imagines that if they are behaving
in such a way, then everyone else must be too! Has your husband suddenly
started questioning you about your actions and friendships? This is a
great tactic to turn the tables and focus to you, but it could also be
that he is genuinely wondering if you too are capable of infidelity as
the subject is playing on his mind.
27. He accuses you of an affair:
This
is the next step on from tip number 26. Often his suspicions may
escalate, and he will go out of his way to fully accuse you of having an
affair. This is a great tactic, as it not only puts you in the frame
(and not him), it gives rise to arguments, so he can spend more time out
of the house, and may even be used as a catalyst for having a final
excuse to leave you, if and when he decides to take this step.
28. He plants seeds of doubt in his and your friend's minds:
If
he is really clever, then he may even ask your friends, or perhaps your
mutual friends, whether he thinks that you could be seeing someone
else. This plants the seed in their minds, so if and when you finally
ask them the same thing about HIM, they believe that you are thinking
this because of your own actions. He can also use it as an excuse if he
ever does decide to leave you as he can say that he had known about your
affair, and had chosen to move on.
29. He begins to tell you stories about how he thinks so and so is cheating:
Does
cheating seem to be your partner's new favourite topic? It could be
that he is trying to work out whether or not you suspect anything. Plus,
he may want to know how you would handle things if you should ever find
out that he has been cheating on you.
For example. If he asks
'what would you do if you were Susan?' - If you say that you would try
and forgive and forget then he knows that he is onto a safer bet.
30. He decides that you should spend more time with the girls:
If
he suddenly decides that you should spend more time with the girls, it
could be that he is trying to free up some of his own time so that he
can see his bit on the side but know exactly where you will be and when
you are due to come home.
31. He suggests that you take a girly vacation!:
He
may even go as far as to suggest that you take a trip away. Perhaps he
even treats you to it, a spa break, a weekend away. This is basically
packing your bags and sending you off so that you are as far away as
possible and on a schedule that he has planned, so that he can enjoy
more extra marital time, without wondering if he'll get caught.
32. He suggests that you get a new haircut, or treats you to new clothing:
It
could be that he wants to treat you so that you do not suspect he is
cheating. Or it could be, that he is used to the way that his new lady
looks, and is wanting to spruce you up a bit so that you too can appear
just as attractive in his eyes. Maybe she has had a new haircut and it
is the first thing on his mind. Is he suggesting things that would not
normally have come up in conversation?
33. He takes you window shopping and asks your opinion on things:
It's
sickening but true! He may even ask your opinion on things, and make it
seem like he is considering getting you a gift, but secretly he has no
one else to ask advice on what to get for his Mistress' up-coming
birthday!
34. He begins to wonder what he has done with his life:
If
he is frustrated, it could simply be the start of a midlife crisis. But
it could be that he has found happiness elsewhere, and is questioning
his whole existence. Falling for another woman may make him wonder if he
married the right person in the first place, whether his children
should ever have been born, and whether he is too old to make a new
start.
35. He changes your usual hangouts:
Has
he started taking you to a different restaurant? Maybe even a different
supermarket? If his Mistress has found out where you are likely to be,
he may fear that the two of you will run into each other, so may start
suggesting nights out at a place in the next town. You get the idea. Of
course, he may just want to shake things up a little but he could also
be hiding his secret and leading a double life.
36. He stops wearing his wedding ring as often:
Has
he 'forgotten' to put it on when he heads out the house? Maybe he even
hides it and claims to have mislaid it? One thing is for sure, if he is
seeing someone who does not know that he is even married, the last thing
that he will be wanting to flash, is that little band of gold. He may
also remove it because 'out of sight is out of mind' and he does not
want a constant reminder of you when he is already feeling guilty when
out with her.
37. Starts to kiss 'differently':
If
the kissing and contact has not stopped, he may still want to be close
to you but something just seems 'different'. Couples develop their own
unique kissing style, that has its own rhythm and pace, with its own
little quirks. Has he started to kiss in a different way? Perhaps
incorporating things such as lip biting when he has never done it
before? It could be that he is now so used to kissing another woman that
he forgets how he kisses you.
38. Sex is not the same as it once was:
If
you are still sexual, and this contact has not ended, then perhaps he
just seems to be acting distant in the bedroom, or is performing in ways
that are unusual for him. He may suddenly start trying out new
positions, and it is like he has swallowed the Kama Sutra! Like with
kissing, this could be that he is developing new habits with his other
lady friend, and these are sticking - even when it comes to you.
39. He suggests more outrageous sexual activities:
Outrageous
for you two that is. I am not suggesting that anything beyond
missionary is 'outrageous'. But if he suddenly demands that you spice
things up and try out swinging for example, it could be that he is
looking to bring up the topic of being sexual with other people - and
may be looking to introduce it into your marriage.
40. He begins to call you by pet names that you have never used before:
Does
he call you babe? Has he never done this before? This may be common if
his other woman is younger than you. Perhaps he has got used to calling
her such names, in order to impress her, and accidentally slips onto the
end of his sentence to you.
41. He calls you by the wrong name:
As
obvious as this one sounds, yes, it really does happen! A Freudian slip
of the tongue, calling you by her name, is something that is actually
common. If this happens, don't let him squirm out of it too easily. If
you are unsure whether it means that he is seeing someone else, flip it
over and look at it from this angle - how on earth could there be any
confusion over the name of the woman he married and supposedly loves?
42. You find stray hairs on his jacket, and clothes:
There
may be little signs left around that point to evidence of this other
woman's presence. The odd stray hair could just be from the woman he
stood next to on the train, but if you find them regularly and they are
quite obviously not from you, you may have to wonder who has been that
up close and personal with him.
43. You find her possessions in odd places:
Yes
it really can happen! Just like in the movies! Perhaps she even planted
those panties under your car seat because she secretly wants you to
find out about their affair, as she is hoping he will leave you. One
thing is for sure, however they got there, if you find suspicious items
in your husband's possession, be pretty sure that he is seeing another.
44. You find lipstick on his collar:
Again,
another old cliché, but if he is not careful about washing his own
clothing then you may find the odd mark that leaves no doubt in your
mind that he is spending time with another woman. Lipstick marks,
foundation lines where she has had her head on his chest, you name it,
but even the best cheater is bound to slip up from time to time.
45. You find unusual items in his car:
Not
as obvious as the underwear scenario, but just empty drinks cartons on
the passenger side. Or take away wrappers from places that he would not
usually eat in. It could be that they were out in the car together and
he forgot to clear away the evidence.
46. Your car seat keeps on moving position:
This
is one that not many people would ever consider. But have you noticed
that when you get into your car seat, especially if it is the passenger
one, you have to keep re-adjusting the seat position?
Maybe she is
a taller model, and needs that extra leg room or perhaps they stop in
the countryside, and make out on the seat. If it keeps magically moving
you can bet that it is being used frequently by someone else, or for
something else.
47. He says that he needs space:
Space
from whom, what? YOU. He may not say this. He could pin it on an
unexplained depression. But if your husband announces that he wants some
space, it is a good sign that he has something or someone on his mind,
and needs time away to work out how he feels. This is especially even
more evident, if he does not want to discuss what is bothering him and
seems resistant to your advances to try and clear the air.
48. He suggests a trial separation:
The
next step up from wanting space. If he decides that you should take a
break but as far as you are concerned, you did not see it coming, then
it could be that he has met someone else and wants to test the waters of
being separated from you, before he takes that final step.
Almost
like test driving a car, he can see if he misses you and still have
time to come back, and he may also spend this time living with his
Mistress, to see whether or not he is making the right decision.
49. He tells you 'it's not you, it's me':
If
ever you hear this line you know that it actually IS you. Okay, it may
not be your fault. But what he really means, is that it's him who wants
to get away and it is you who he wants to get away from, whether it is
your fault or not. He is just trying to soften the blow, and not have to
really explain his actions or wanting to leave.
The old 'it's not
you, it's me' line is a great way of avoiding any real discussion as he
can act confused, depressed, and at the same time, can leave you but
not leave you feeling rejected. This eases his conscience and you are
less likely to want to try and sort things out there and then if you
have no idea what the problem is.